When I started having symptoms of P.T.S.D (unknown diagnosis at that time) the  behaviors of addiction made control issues emerge and “control” become very relevant to coping. I could not see myself or what part I played and told myself that everyone in my life failed me. Therefore stuck and unable to grow. Everything and everybody had to be labeled , categorized ,studied and either hot/cold  friend/foe or putting someone on a pedestal only to hate them later. One day I realized that while I was counting the people who left me and let me down  I suddenly realized I was the main offender. When did I leave me? It is not to beat  yourself  up or feel bad but to see that until you have a sense of self you are just as toxic to yourself and others and they are to you.