Everything in life is temporary so if you choose not to invest in yourself or others because you don’t feel its worth it you will be stuck in a (live for the second) instant gratification since you need a distraction constantly so you don’t have to sit in your skin.Trying to take the “Easy way out” is so misleading and the vicious cycle goes on and on…I had a panic attack the other day in Manhattan on the street and I tried to call someone who I felt safe with to ground me and I couldn’t get in touch with anyone.That doesn’t happen to often but life does throw you a curve ball from time to time.Sometimes I still think life is over rated and this whole thing called “life” feels like an obstacle course but i figure I only got one life and one body and one soul so why not invest in myself and give life a shot.
During my lunch break I walked a few blocks to look at my old building and reminisce. I was scared to work around that neighborhood since I had NO GOOD MEMORIES but life doesn’t stop or cater to our whims so had to adjust. Not only did I alway’s get stopped by cops walking into my building because they figured I couldn’t live there so I must be buying drugs, little did they know I bought my drugs elsewhere. I had my boyfriend (hostage) living with me and our drugs got along with each other most of the time. When it rains it pours and I went through the worst six months ( Year) of my life. I got two violent felonies, got gang raped, got jumped by a whole block (men,women and kids) got my nose broken, got my teeth cracked on another night, saw a few people die and then the best thing happened to me….I got my bail revoked and I went to jail. While I was locked up my boyfriend Overdosed and I still can’t find his body since no one was there to claim it . I have PTSD and some days life can feel like punishment just having to be here but I have healed enough to change my life and my spirit is making a come back. Like they say, ” There are worse things than death” and to me that is living once your spirit and soul have died. It has been 16 years since then and I have let my dead leaves fall off and I am blossoming.
https://damagedgoodsgm.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/facebook-20150918-084122.jpg?w=2924I love all animals but especially dogs , they were my substitute for a family and since I had never been so financially poor but internally rich working as a volunteer at the Animal Control Center which is one of the highest kill rate shelters in NY. I wanted to make sure I walked them […]
I find it interesting that people that have no real education (myself included) are the first ones to fight over what happened way back and know everything. I find the more I learn the less I need to be right. I think that when you are not happy with your position in life the tendency to over compensate makes you define your identity with a thought. Someone challenging your opinion is like trying to cut off your leg.
Extrovert? Ham? Show off? I wish is was that simple…there is no feeling worse than being powerless and at the mercy of your environment. Although my nervous energy might have been channeled horribly without direction it was still an attempt to control an atmosphere, to control the energy of others. When you enter a room you read the crowd/energy and see what direction you want to take meaning whether you want to engage or leave. A child has no choice but to be in a environment that is controlled by others so once I saw that I had some power (negative/ humor) over a crowd or person I tried to be the rule maker/ center of attention and tried to be the entertainer so that I could win the crowd.I did not trust others to be in charge of anything therefore I became a competitive fool..