Month: October 2016

DONT BECOME WHAT YOU HATE

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A Quote by Jessica Lange in American Horrors was “Be careful when you look at evil because it looks back at you” at the time I thought it was kind of corny but I have developed a respect for that sentiment now. The uneasiness of a seemingly fragile world can overwhelm you and make you go into defense mode, sometimes feeling you have to lash out or get even with the people that you feel made your life so empty and painful.Some people’s lives have been traumatic and the past haunts them till this day, some people haven’t been able to leave the traumatic environment due to financial or possibly  co-dependency. It’s hard to see the world in a loving way when you have seen so much darkness. The only way I can accept the ugliness of the world is a yin yang spin that there is good/evil and happy/sad etc and for all the stray animals I see there are animals running along a beach with an owner that takes responsibility for their possessions. For every child, I see with fear in their eyes and a look of brokenness there is a child laughing and playing on a swing.   I really used to live in fear/hate/anger and un-comfortability and a lot of it is understandable but now I see that the best revenge is “success” and then the revenge is no longer a factor. Don’t let the bitterness consume you…

MY IMAGINARY AUDIENCE

I remember as a child being left in a home

for children

I felt forgotten and invisible so

I ran away and imagined a cheering squad

rooting for me …like I mattered like I was

the star of a movie

I escaped and traveled for miles

to get back to NYC

like I had a place to go

This can’t be real

Is there anyone out there

A God…A ghost

The friends or family that passed away?

There has to be more than this

The years of seeking the truth in a

world full of lies

only to get old and die

Some say I am lucky since I am still here

There are days I would beg to differ

I want to be a hero

I want to feel safe

I want to be a vigilante and

make all the bad things go away

I want to erase the pain

a world of carnivores

that search for easy prey for their next meal

they pick the meat from the bones of the

weak and vulnerable

with with a belch of wine…

Hiding behind civilized & elite masks

There has to be more than this…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE…

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I stared down at the traffic from an overpass

and in turn stare at the crowd making their way down the street

Just like the cars, the people divide and entwine in an attempt

to get from point A to point B

I stare at the subway riders that are

packed in like sardines but try to look independent

with a phone/ tablet and a cold indifference

A woman who has an arch in her back

hoping that someone notices her curves

but has a “f–k off” and “Try me”

mask on her face

The man who sits with his lap top in Starbucks

like he is alone in his study

He looks professional and standoffish

but he secretly hopes his presence is validated

the destination, the navigation

I watch the crowd  that is so  detached

and impersonal…almost shallow

but in reality  everything

is personal, very personal.

TRUE STORY

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I met a young woman in Rikers Island (correctional facility) that at first I did not want to know, she was scarred in various places such as her body and face but always seemed to be smiling so I assumed she was a psycho and was trouble. One day one of my (Friends?) associates brought her over to our table so I asked her what happened to her face and she said her “Sugar daddy” had given her thirty dollars to get her nails done and she had spent it on drugs so she was embarrassed to tell him so she asked her friend to cut her face so she could pretend she got robbed for it. I was dumb struck because I could tell this female had diss association from her body which led me to believe she had been through hell .This was a major cut on her face so I asked her,” Your friend had no problem doing that?” and she said that it was easy so I asked her if she regretted it now and she said she liked it because she thought it looked cool and for some reason I got a surreal moment because I knew where this was going. I asked her what happened to her chest and she replied that she had been stabbed over three dollars in the Bronx and had open heart surgery. I asked her “how did it feel to almost die over three dollars”? and she was still smiling telling me how cool it was because the police had bought her Burger King and were real nice to her talking to her all night. This might sound ludicrous to most and although my examples were not as extreme I knew what it felt like to feel invisible and settle for negative attention. The fact that she got stabbed was irrelevant to the fact that someone was nice to her and she didn’t have to do anything to get it..people in general that have no healthy examples growing up or learning healthy boundaries adopt their own adaptation to life. that was a crossroad in my life because I saw someone half my age that I judged and now I saw that I had to grow up and be a role model to these younger women that had no direction.

It is Not REAL, It’s​ just a PAINTING

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My awkwardness made me feel so conspicuous

Even crossing the street in NYC felt like a feat

My body would get stuck and sometimes

freezes up when I cannot process the signals

and don’t know whether to stop or move fast

I remember when I was an adventurer

A bike messenger that held on to the side of a truck to hitch a ride

I used to chase danger, distractions ,and surprises

Now I feel like a meat suit of nerves bouncing off each other

I work in Social Services such as Outreach and Counseling which

can be so rewarding and purposeful and in helping others it

helps heal your own soul but this is not a fairytale so

my demons still show up and when they are working overtime and

I have to get from point A to point B and hope there are not too many

obstacles and stressors, my flight or fight response is always overloaded

so when I see a possible disturbance in my path I tell myself

Its not real, it is just a picture

It can’t hurt you

Its just a painting

 

 

 

TWISTED THOUGHTS

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I see a child on the train

instead of smiling and embracing her youth

I pity her and her fragility

I pity her future

In a world of Monsters

I stare at the child and try to understand

why an adult would want to take their innocence

It doesn’t make sense

I walk along the park and see a dead animal

then I realize it is  just a plastic bag on the ground

Why am I seeing death and destruction?

Why can’t I see the joy?

I finally met someone that made me smile

It was the first person I had tried dating in years but

during our first sexual encounter, I saw him on top of

me  (Who is this?) all of a sudden I didn’t know

who he was and I didn’t like him…

I had a flashback and  he felt like a threat

I thrashed and told him I wasn’t scared of him

He looked at me like I was crazy and asked me to go

So I  left without a word

because there was no way to explain

the heaviness in my heart

and the burden I bear

I continue and keep moving forward

hoping the pain and anxiety will fade

as I walk and look for

dead animals and future victims

(It’s a Control Thing)

I have been in many hostile environments

from…

The educated to the illiterate

from…

The ghetto to “Old money” (Rich)

and one thing that they all have in common is

the need for

Control…or

The Lack of it

but definitely

The Abuse of it

and the masquerade of offenders

the followers

and the perpetrators

The wall flowers

and I see that

people are only as “Crazy” as you let them be

Meaning  “bullies”

are strategist and opportunist

and when their mask has been ripped off

they have now been exposed

They slink away into the darkness

looking for a new project14492427_374321979622965_866173797489418798_n

 

 

 

 

 

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