CODEPENDENCY

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I won’t bore you with every detail of what led me to addiction  and codependency but I will tell you that I was in Prison trying to hide my pain with sarcasm and cracking jokes but in a group format a counselor asked me what were my ex-boyfriends names so I immediately said, ” Which one, Scrubby or Shitty ?” and she said that I did not have boyfriends that in fact, I had hostages because I knew I could throw a few crumbs and like birds they would always fly back. I started defending myself saying,” Do you know what they did blah blah blah” and I truly was hurt and bitter but I had to see what part I played in the dysfunction and why I was afraid to be alone and drug free…so as tough as people on drugs (TRY) to sound with all the loud bravado we are a fragile population. It’s hard to find your true identity when you never developed one to begin with so who can I use as a distraction from my inner demons and that wave of un-comfortability? that space that was supposed to be my spirits domain, my core (the BELLY OF THE BEAST)? Am I really sad about the loss of them or the loss of the illusion? am I hurt? or is it narcism that felt thwarted? It is not a nice feeling to get abandoned or feel invisible when you worked so hard to BUY, MANIPULATE and try and MAKE someone LOVE you when you don’t even have a clue what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

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