Month: November 2016

Confession of an Enabler

facebook-20150831-061422

I swore I was the most giving person

in the world and you should

feel you were lucky to deal

with someone like me

because I am not selfish

or grimy like the rest

I gave my cat food every time

he looked at me with those

longing eyes of expectancy

He would stare at me

knowing that I was trained to serve

Got to be the “Good guy”

because I did not want to be the

(bad guy)I wanted to be needed &

appreciated because I wanted to

feel loved…

The cat got to be 31 pounds and died

from breathing issues at the age of 11

but that wasn’t my fault, I saved him

from the street right?I heard a kitten crying

I heard a kitten crying

from behind a garbage can

in the brutally cold night

How could someone be so mean

to leave this kitten

out in a cruel world

by himself?

How could people be so selfish?

Not I for I am the hero

that came  to rescue kitty

but in reality, did I do it

for him or for myself?

BOND WITH ME

facebook-20150831-061823Let’s play house

I might not like you,  but I need you

I want to play house

Is there really unconditional Love?

or is it relationships of convenience ?

Can you take over my cat’s position?

Not permanently because

when reality reveals itself

my cat’s position will be re-instated

I can fake orgasms and actually enjoy watching you

because by you enjoying yourself I can feel sexy

I will rub your back with the touch of a pro

Not because you deserve it but I need

the sign of approval and the feeling

of being good at something.

Can you “pretend” you want to rub my back?

It’s not hard, I learned to pretend

Like I said, “Do you want to play house”?

CHOP SHOP

img_120612070624

I get ready for bed  and put

the majority

of my teeth in a cup

they have my prison numbers

embedded in them which is

a blast from the past

A DIN number was my ID in jail

I was always called by my last name

so I almost forgot my first

I take my mental med’s and

lay down and try not to think

I  watch someone else on TV

as a distraction

I wake up and take my HIV meds

and after 27 yrs it’s as normal to me

as taking a multivitamin,

The side effects have taken a toll though

I guess taking the meds is the lesser

of two evils, I feel broken

I went to a hole in the wall plastic surgeon

to get a discount Liposuction

He wouldn’t touch me

he said I might die and he wasn’t

taking that chance, I was disappointed

but I was also surprised since I

actually had someone responsible

enough to think about

the consequences because I just wanted

a quick fix

FIX ME!

Make me feel whole

Make me feel like my  house is truly a home,

Make me feel like this life has a meaning

please take some weight from my core

because it might  take away the heaviness

that I feel in my soul.

PURPOSE and PERCEPTION equal Destination…

100002490321003_1073741954

One man’s ceiling

is another man’s floor

do the structures

make you  feel secure?

Life feels like a race

One that you can never

be won

whether you are racing

for

money

prestige

for love

I personally am racing for leverage

because it is the only way

that I can have PEACE

because to have peace sadly

you have to have $

because to be treated fairly you

have to be untouchable

otherwise..

you will always have someone

stomping on your ceiling

Blasting music from underneath

your floor and barging

in your door

I want to run away

from the city

but I am scared of the Country

It is dark and isolated

and the aloneness

I have felt my whole life

will be a reality

This world seems insane

with the oddest role models

from Presidents to Socrates

they are the pillars of logic

leadership, and contradictions

When and if  we win the race of our desires

will it make the pain go away?

what are you are racing for?

Im Tired…

11006369_945963455496656_7246551399510438601_n-2

My psycho therapist asked me to try something new, at first I came up with a hundred reasons why it was silly and corny and dumb but finally I ran out of things to ramble about and agreed to try. He asked me to recognize that I was in a safe area and take off my armor and put it on the chair next to me (in my mind) and if I felt uncomfortable my armor would be there to put back on again. I cracked jokes and was rolling my eyes as I tried to change the focus but he wouldn’t let me because he kept bringing me back to the task at hand. Finally, I tried to imagine myself removing the  armor and it felt like heavy baggage so I envisioned taking all the weight off and placing it beside me. The first time I felt awkward because part of me was really trying because I was tired and needed change so I tried again when all of a sudden I felt tired and didn’t want to talk which is a first. I was so afraid to FEEL anything that I was wound up like a bat out of hell by distracting myself with sarcasm and jokes and even war stories that didn’t even bother me anymore it was just for air time. By putting my guard down I was a whole different person…tired and needed rest.

Take me away

11175006_861663183926684_4480821852014802752_n

Take me away

not to a jail or institution but a safe zone

where one  can heal

Take me away

from my nightmares

and teach me to dream

Take me away from

A world filled with hate

A life full of doubt

My own fears of a world

filled with lies for

how can we trust a Country

and believe in a future when

the truths from the past are

not even owned or acknowledged?

I only have one life to live so the days

of sleeping are over since there will be plenty

of time to sleep after I expire but for now I

am here and I am ALIVE!

The Shadow

14915126_1521541194553031_7011550143849403022_n

My long hallway extended for what seemed an endless journey,

with doors and lights in unison  ahead of me

It was a safe building for the most part

The tenants owned their apartments tended to

look down their nose at me but this was different

There are two different types of fear, being accepted or judged

or being violated ,”emotionally and physically”

One is a fear of unworthiness and invisibility

The other is a sense of fear for your life

because you have been spotted and the enemy is near

This felt like psychological torture

I knew the routine,I actually dreaded this walk

the light  played tricks on the wall

Like it was toying with me

seeing your shadow dance and separate on the wall

like lighting it would separate and engulf you in an instant

like you had someone walking behind you

Don’t look I would tell myself, it is only your shadow

but the need to watch the movement of the wall

seemed to scream to me and say,”Watch out, if you dont

it’s going to get you” so I watched the silhouette like

it was a job that I hated to do…

Why did my shadow feel like such a threat?

 

 

%d bloggers like this: