I am a FOLDER in a File

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I asked my mother due to being in psychotherapy if there was a psycho-social from my childhood due to the long history. She said” Yes it is in your folder” My folder? I responded as she gestured towards the file cabinet. I knew that she kept some memorabilia of our family in storage since the only pictures she mainly displayed were of her and her parents, aunts etc. on the walls. While I was trying to heal and deal with my past trauma I had read a lot of books and one said that you might (makeup) your past to explain your discomfort. I had said to myself maybe I had exaggerated my thoughts about my mother’s emotional and physical abuse. Maybe she was just being a mom under pressure.I looked at the folder and instead of it being baby pictures, the artwork of me as a child instead it was her writings. Journals she wrote about what a loser I was. She called me a (low life). I tried to act like I didn’t see anything bad as I hid the papers in my shirt. I finally had proof that I was not a monster, I was not a bad egg, I was a child that didn’t know how to cope with my situation. I finally found the Psychosocial and it said was that I was an ATTRACTIVE 12-year-old…omg my heart melted, my mother had told me I wasn’t pretty as a child. When I asked her if she knew what was in the psychosocial she just said, ” I think it said, oh yeah you were an underachiever” “Oh”, I said  and continued reading how I was above average and superior in my IQ tests. I  started shaking and although I could overpower my mother easily now I still felt that fear like I did as a child. She had the power to make me feel horrible then and I needed something showing that it was not just me. That I was not bad and someone should have helped me. She got up and started talking about her and her meltdowns and her sleep deprivation etc and I do not lie my skin crawled as she moved past me. I have never felt anything like that in my life. My skin actually did a dance. I have the papers that give me the closure I needed. I showed them to my therapist and there was no doubt in their mind that my mother was mentally unstable and a “Monster” in one’s words. She had a lot of good things about her as well and  I can forgive her and myself now because I realize she was sick. All I wanted was someone to see it from my side so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

Comments

10 comments on “I am a FOLDER in a File”
  1. bethanyk says:

    Wow! That was so powerful to read. I can’t even imagine how you must have felt in that moment. Just reading it was surreal. I’m so glad you were able to have closure by reading that file and talking to you your therapist. Wow again! Thank you for sharing this incredibly profound moment

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DamagedGoods says:

      It feels good to share, thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Rob says:

    Wow. I haven’t the words

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Rob says:

        You are welcome!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. leelah saachi says:

    ” All I wanted was someone to see it from my side so I wouldn’t feel so alone.” Aint that the truth – and now you see her, and you see your mother, and healing IS

    Liked by 1 person

  4. SonniQ says:

    Powerful. As children we can’t know or understand the effect our childhood had on us until much much later – when the damage is already done. I am sorry you had to go through this – but I also know everything happens for a reason. We either learn from it or it kills us. We have a few parallels in our lives but I had a good loving childhood – so all the destruction I did to myself came by my own hands. I did enough drugs to sink a ship. I have – or had Hep C. i had a liver transplant and later did Harvoni. My destroyed liver caused other medical problems that are permanent. I’ve been on pain meds for almost 30 years – methadone for 12. although my dose is as low as i can stand it, it takes the edge off real pain. I didn’t prostitute but I was a dancer for many years. i quit at age 40, while i still looked good. I’ve been married 3 times, 2 grown kids and 7 grandchildren. I never looked like a druggie. I worked hard to maintain a look of normalcy. I’m also a musician – keyboards and spent many years in the club scene. Now I’m almost 63, look pretty good for my age, have a body crisscrossed with surgery scars and live in pain that doesn’t stop me. I deal with the prison system. The blog you came to is about a man, father to one of my grandsons who still has over years to go. It is his story that I am writing.

    I want to gently tell you something. I read the available part of your book on Amazon. I could cry just picturing your life in my mind. But Glenna, it’s difficult to read because it wasn’t edited. You could say, but it is real. It is the way I think. I understand that because of where i was when I started writing. You want others to read your book and pass it on. You want a larger audience than your book can reach because the lack of editing will keep it back. It is too obviously self published. It needs to be rewritten from the standpoint of knowing how to write which is a craft that is learned – like learning to play the piano. You have a powerful story that if written better has the potential of reaching the audience you want. Your friends and people who know you will always give you 5 stars and tell you it is great. Look at your monthly book sales. That will tell you if it is great. Over time I have found some great resources – online writing classes where I could work with writers and editors who would critque my work and guide me into a direction where I could get a grip on my story. it’s been hard and tedious and you have to take the good feedback with the not so good feedback so you ca learn from it. I can pass some of this on to you if you are serious about writing a bestseller. Writing and publishing a book like that and developing a platform for sales can take a few years – but is it worth it – to write a book people will want to read instead of giving it away for free at Kindle?

    If I didn’t think it was worth it I would not have taken the time to write this. Congratulations on what you have been able to accomplish with your life. you deserve a standing ovation for that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glenna says:

      I just had it edited and uploaded a new version, can you let me know if it is better? loll

      Like

  5. A very moving post.

    Liked by 1 person

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