Month: March 2017

EMPATHY and or Masochism?

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I walked past “your corner”

on my way home from work tonight

The wind was strong and I was cold

I looked at your “spot” on the ground

(the corner) where you sat religiously…

You are not there anymore…

I am happy and sad because I do not like

“Not knowing” what happened to you.

I never wanted to care, you were just a beggar

I swore I wouldn’t fall for your panhandling “hustle”

and I am not enabling you…

but one day I couldn’t help but ask

“Do you really make enough money to go through

all this and is it really worth it?”

we talked and you explained  your life,

you were so young and lost

you sat in the scalding sun

you sat in the freezing cold

I would talk to you every day

you were a familiar face

I wanted you to strive for more

but it still feels odd without you now

I hope it is changed for the better

I changed my life but I still identified

with your stubborn ways

sitting in a crazy, rough neighborhood

asking for help…

Every time I pass that corner

I see the world as if I were you

I feel the cold, I feel the sunburns

I feel like a nomad

that lived for the day

and not the future

goodbye my friend

It’s time to change where

I let my spirit take me

For what I embrace and endure

I have to  forget you, my friend

since everything in life

is temporary  I cannot continue

to only see and identify the world

through the eyes of the broken.

LIFES MYSTERIES

 

Childhood which to me defines

being brought into this world  and

not by choice and when old enough to

see, hear and study your examples

you wait for reactions to the actions

of others, watching and mimicking

The constant confusion shoved down our

throats. The Hate spewed in our ears

rich/poor/white/black/stupid/smart

overwhelming our thought processors

Such an early age, so much confusion.

A TV filled with “NEWS” of pains and

sorrows worldwide, everyone sits and watches

the world crumble and as long as it

doesnt apply to them it is

just a conversation piece

Our Houses which do not feel like Homes

DRUNKS teaching you manners

at an evening dinner table

the hypocrisies and contradictions

Everyone coming to their own

versions of realities and  religions built to suit

their norms and comfort zones…

I thought this country was called

The “UNITED” States of America?

it don’t feel united or even fair

Racism is still in full effect

but deflected with expertise

by manipulations built on

insecurities and stupidities

sometimes stupidity is a choice

because you don’t have to look

outside the box…

being racist at one’s own “convenience”

merciful when it suits the timing

and playing to a select crowd

A person screaming about whom

and what are abominations  as

they lead a double life and creep

into their child’s rooms at night

I am so tired of trying to get a better view

a sense of self, love, and humanity

while I see the hate and confusion

and bitterness spreading like cancer

I will not give up because I refuse to

believe this is all that life has to offer

SHALLOW WATERS & DEEP DESIRES

 

TOUCH MY SOUL

NOT MY BODY

TOUCH THAT WALL

THAT I HAVE BUILT SO HIGH

I DONT WANT TO GET ROBBED

WITH THIEVES THAT SMILE

I DONT WANT TO HEAR THE

CAT CHASE THE MOUSE BULL

GAMES AND CONQUESTS

BUILT ON EGOS and DECEPTIONS

LIKE THE SAYING GOES

NEVER TRUST A NAKED PERSON

THAT OFFERS YOU A COAT

HEROES

 

I want to be a hero, but I feel limited

I want to make the pain and suffering cease

I want to be that person whom

I waited for that never came

There is a dark side to me as well

an angry, hurt and vindictive spirit

that want’s to hurt those I presume evil

an eye for an eye

since they have no “feelings”

or empathy for others

I know they will feel a swift kick

but then have I become the

monsters I study?

TO SMELL A ROSE

 

I remember while someone was deciding what “job detail” I was supposed to have in prison, He decided I was going to horticulture. When I was on my way out he said, “Yeah McCarthy, you need to learn how to smell the roses” I had no idea what horticulture meant and never even made it to my new job. Due to my anxiety, while going to ear in mess halls I was a time bomb. It felt like torture and I had a fight. After being isolated for a month or so  I came out and was supposed to work in “electrical.” although I would have loved to be an (Urban) Macgyver that could fix anything and alter everything I didn’t last a week due to another meltdown. I got used to being recognized as a reckless individual. I thought that would be a way to make people leave me alone. It seemed to be my uncomfortable comfort zone. It is a lonely existence, feeling it’s you against the world. I still got attention without having to get close. I was the star of my own “low budget bad movie. I grew, changed and faced my demons. I saw if I did not invest in me I was terminally screwed ” Life has changed and improved now but I still have to slow down and learn how to smell the roses, even if it is just one.

MY REALITY

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This world is so full of despair and conflict

Politicians, Social media, everyone

has it all figured out and then pick a side

to debate and meanwhile the energy is

wasted, I have searched for happiness

in drugs and people to

distract me from this world

I did not like or embrace

I tried to use external stimuli

to feel  I had something

to look forward too

Charades, presentations, and games

trying to be what I hoped

someone else would want

but now I have found my own sanity

with a new angle, I know that

happiness is an inside job

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