I know that all people have their faults
and we all have had our challenges
I know that we have to let the past go and move on…
which comes to my point. I have gotten accustomed
to being ALONE
It was not my choice it was my family way
Every man and (woman) for themselves
Well it taught me to be competitive because
I had nothing but a bruised EGO to feed.
I also ran to drugs to self-medicate
I lived up to being the loser I was told I would be,
My mother had told me I was not pretty when I was a child
A matter of fact statement was not said in anger
it was just her way to be passive aggressive.
When I eventually sold my body for drugs
I was shocked that anyone would pay to touch me
since I wasn’t exceptional in any kind of way.
A warped sense of self a warped sense of the world.
The street seemed more welcoming than my home
Now my mother is old and needs help,
I am clean now and some say that is the reason
for her change of heart.
I disagree, I feel I am convenient because “she” now
needs someone. The problem is I was never hugged
or loved by her, all I remember is the tantrums and the emotional
and physical abuse. She buys me things and
I am still struggling financially
It makes me feel shameful that I am “being bought” since
I don’t feel there is true love between us. We use each other…
She wants to have someone to call when she feels alone, the same way I did as a child.
What bothers me is I don’t feel genuine and I don’t feel happy around her
I feel like a prostitute again, shutting down and going through the motions.
the energy is so toxic so isn’t it a little late
to pretend that we like each other?