Its too late to play house

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I know that all people have their faults

and we all have had our challenges

I know that we have to let the past go and move on…

which comes to my point. I have gotten accustomed

to being ALONE

It was not my choice it was my family way

Every man and (woman) for themselves

Well it taught me to be competitive because

I had nothing but a bruised  EGO to feed.

I also ran to drugs to self-medicate

I lived up to being the loser I was told I would be,

My mother had told me I was not pretty when I was a child

A matter of fact statement was not said in anger

it was just her way to be passive aggressive.

When I eventually sold my body for drugs

I was shocked that anyone would pay to touch me

since I wasn’t exceptional in any kind of way.

A warped sense of self a warped sense of the world.

The street seemed more welcoming than my home

Now my mother is old and needs help,

I am clean  now and some say that is the reason

for her change of heart.

I disagree, I feel  I am convenient because “she” now

needs someone. The problem is I was never hugged

or loved by her, all I remember is the tantrums and the emotional

and physical abuse. She buys me things and

I am still struggling financially

It makes me feel shameful that I am “being bought” since

I don’t feel there is true love between us. We use each other…

She wants to have someone to call when she feels alone, the same way I did as a child.

What bothers me is I don’t feel genuine and I don’t feel happy around her

I feel like a prostitute again, shutting down and going through the motions.

the energy is so toxic so isn’t it a little late

to pretend that we like each other?

 

Comments

9 comments on “Its too late to play house”
  1. Aura Gael says:

    What a shitty place to be in. I don’t have an answer unfortunately but I wanted to acknowledge your question and confusion. Hoping to give some sense of camaraderie…(?) Maybe that’s ridiculous I don’t know. I just hate this kind of shit from mothers. WTF? You know?

    I got an email from my mother recently and I struggle to figure out the right move each time I hear from her as well.

    Congrats on getting to grad school though.

    Like

  2. You are finding your truth and you can honour that, that is the most important thing. It is hard with family even when it is only a financial transaction I still try to give. I have been supported by money from my Mum for the past 10 years, she calls it an early inheritance. I give because I love my Mum but if you don’t feel love for your Mum, then it would be fake to give.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glenna says:

      it just seems a relationship of convenience due to the fact that she never pretended to want to be a mother when I was a child but now that she is alone and in need she is acting like we have a close relationship which I feel is false on both parts…

      Like

      1. Yes, it sounds very false. I also wish my Mum could have been more honest. It fucks with our heads to be put in that situation.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. speak766 says:

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very difficult and emotionally draining to have this kind of relationship in your life. I hope you can focus on yourself and grad school and doing what you want in life. wish you all the best – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

  4. beetleypete says:

    Thanks for following my blog, which is much appreciated. I am sorry to say that my eyes cannot cope with your theme, as I cannot read any of the grey on white comments.
    Best wishes, Pete.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glenna says:

      If it makes a difference I changed the layout and fonts

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Unfortunately, school — necessary to advancement — extends our dependence. I moved back home to avoid dropping out of law school, a bad decision. Decline the gifts if they are too painful, or put you at risk of sliding backwards. You will find another way.

    At some point, you may want to consider forgiveness — not for your mother’s sake, but your own. Many of us do not get there, of course. Forgiveness is not, however, a warm and cozy feeling. It is a deliberate decision to move beyond the grievous harm done to us. That can be very freeing. Be well.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Soul Gifts says:

    So much sadness and so much courage and strength. You, Glenna, are a survivor. Give because you want to, not because it is the thing to do, but for your own dignity and respect of self. If it does not sit right with you, don’t do it. Like Anna says, you will find another way. I wish you a life of wellbeing and happiness. You deserve it, just like everyone else.

    Liked by 2 people

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