Month: June 2017

TOXIC (LOVE?)

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Unconditional love is hard to define

Dos it mean (Ride or Die) ?

Does it mean that you love someone enough to

LET THEM GO?

and wish them the best?

I was very used to growing

up with CONDITIONAL LOVE

in a drop of a hat

I could be moved, thrown out

or emotionally and physically abused

depending on my guardians wacko

moods and behavior…

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

because I felt now that I am in charge

and proved my loyalty and feelings

with people pleasing and enabling

what could possibly go wrong??

I had no clue what a healthy relationship

looked like or felt like

I would go from hot to cold

because when I felt violated or betrayed

I would become a Psycho…

I didn’t know how to separate because

I needed someone to be my other half

(Codependency)  where relationships

are more like hostages …I am scared to try

relationships again because I am doing so well

BY MYSELF but  I can’t isolate forever

 

 

 

What should I do? tis the question

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The phone rings and I don’t recognize the number

I keep to myself these days so I figure

it might be a telemarketer

It rings and rings and finally I answer

just to tell them to go (Jack off)

but I hear a familiar voice and cringe

I go through the motions and say,

“Hi, how are you doing”

meanwhile I don’t want to know

It feels like an energy vampire

sucking the life out of me

even through a phone

My life is so challenging

and can be emotionally and physically

exhausting so I don’t have the energy

to play games with someone that never

brought joy to my life?

but how do you tell someone

that you don’t like them or the

energy they bring to your world?

How do you tell them that you

don’t want to be part of their life

anymore when they are your

parent?….

 

THE FEAR OF CHANGE

 

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To be honest my “comfort zone” is NOT comfortable

but it is all I know. The ritualistic norms that we

apply to our sense of normalcy in life.

Coffee, TV, Foods, Cigarettes, Cliques, relationships

that give us an energy that is sometimes no longer appreciated

same shows, same times, same phone call, same habits

that we know are not in our best interest. the other habit is saying

the other predictable habit is saying

how we are NOT going to do this/that anymore and then like

clockwork back to the same ritualistic behavior.

When I quit smoking I did not know what to do with my arms

when I walked down the street, I was so used to using the

using the cigarette as a prop in my presentation

(good or bad it was my mask)

CHANGE is HARD but it was overdue

If you want to change you have to be willing to

be UNCOMFORTABLE…(Is your comfort zone really comfortable anyway?)

By the way…

 

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I love your company

I love the energy you bring

so please…don’t make me kill you

There are two categories I live by

Friend or Foe

there are no shades of gray

I do not have the time or

the emotional energy

to weed out the disappointments

I have learned to bob and weave

through the swarms of people

that I have to share the earth with

I have learned to avoid potential enemies

so, if you get close to me and I make

myself take a chance to feel again…

and you turn on me I will have

a reaction that you don’t want to see

and I don’t want to feel

The beast within

that will want to hurt you

but in reality, I will just shut down

and my spirit will die once again

so inadvertently I will kill myself.

 

 

 

 

 

Slow can be fierce

 

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Listen to my body language

Take the time to know, see and feel

how I respond…

help me take my armor off

I will still leave it in arms reach

now knowing if I will need it again

I want to feel safe and loved

knowing the body warmth I feel

is not a “Trickster” that preys on

broken hearts and spirits.

help me take my armor off so

I won’t need to leave it in arms reach

and won’t feel the need to put it back on

again, If the energy is right

SLOW can be FIERCE 

 

 

Is the MAGIC GONE?

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Sex, lust, and ego (superficial). The American dream ( I guess). To feel sexy, desirable and charismatic. I guess being wealthy is a no-brainer as well. Just how far will you go to achieve these ideals? Starvation, Plastic surgery, bulimia? and in case you are already slender what are you trying to add? (to your presentation) implants ?.To be honest I have had sex with more people than I would like to admit. I have only had three orgasms in my life that were not self-administered. One day one of my partners got tired of being selfish and said,” what do you like?tell me what you want me to do” I was dumbstruck because I didn’t have a clue what would feel good at that point. I almost felt pressured to say what I thought he wanted to hear but I just put the focus back on him so I would not be under close eye watch for (Action / Reaction). Now let’s just say you are a “hotty” that feels your sexual energy is in abundance, I envy you I guess although I am a little lazy at this stage in the game to be a sex kitten on demand. I carried K-Y in my pocket for two decades due to going through a long DRY period (literally) so I can’t blame my lack of enthusiasm on age because this has ben going on for a long time. My point is the question of whether you can learn to appreciate SEX again after years of sexual trauma and sex that wasn’t enjoyable?

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