Month: July 2017

To my DADDY

1015627_472863536139986_2098119692_oIt has been a while, 1995 since you passed

We were both dying at that time

or so I was told…

so my attention was selfish

I hope there is peace on the other side

and no more pain or un-comfortability

no need to self-medicate

like we felt we had to do here

You were the only happiness I

remember as a child and although

you were struggling with alcohol

I was struggling with addiction

I wasn’t there for you while you

expired because my anger and confusion

fueled my own self-destruct mission

In two days I am traveling to Belfast, Ireland

to finally stand at your resting site

seeing where you grew up and saying goodbye

at your grave site.  I hope I will see you again

one day when I get there…

Its time to BAKE a new CAKE

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Time to re-assess

To learn new ingredients because

the chefs that taught you were tainted

and the food was spoiled.

BUILD a new HOUSE

because the house you lived in was not a home…

Draw a new PICTURE because

you were taught to

paint yourself into a corner

labels, stigmas, opinions etc.

Blacksheep, sub culture/counter culture

smart, dumb, pretty, ugly

your teachers were just at an advantage

one-man’s ceiling is another man’s floor

so the people that were above us or left their

sad, bad impressions are just one level and

there are many ceilings and floors above them

and then there is the sky

 

 

Growth in hardships

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As a child, I felt so uncomfortable and out of sync with the world around me and had no clue why. Once I learned to laugh/ joke as children do I became addicted to pranks and laughter as an escape. Being uncomfortable within can lead to being self-absorbed and assuming that everyone else is free game. The jokes even included laughing about being “Toothless” as well as HIV/ AIDS because it was so mysterious in its origin. The point I am making is when a lot of labels and stigmas came knocking on my door I was mortified that now I was part of those populations. I already knew what feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable was as a child but now my problems were documented and there was no way to hide behind shallow jokes and games. Mind you I was a teen when I was going through my rebellious stage but that stage continued into a downward spiral for over 25 Yrs. My life has been a rough ride but I am happy that I learned to have a real sense of compassion and empathy. I was walking to work today and rushing like usual trying to bob and weave around people whom I consider obstacles due to anxiety, I finally said to myself you don’t have to run anymore, you can slow down and feel your body and not just the aches and pains but the spirit that is starting to glow again.

 

 

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