Month: December 2017

THE COLD CHILL

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My body aches, I try to get into a position that

is comfortable and comfort myself

There was a time when I loved to cuddle

I loved the feeling of unity and bonding

but then the storm came and

the chill set in

The pain, sadness and subjective reality

that even a drug could not take away

A rude awakening that a child finds

seeing the love they were denied

as a child is not

found in the streets

The deaths of friends and lovers

the walking dead of addictions

the institutions and jails designed

to profit from the poverty and

the mentally ill.

I turn over again and

try to get comfortable

the thought of someone touching me

makes me cringe

but the thought of companionship lingers

I hold and tell myself

this is a one-shot deal

one life and one ship (body)

to carry you through the

storms and when the chill sets in

hug yourself and know that you

are never truly alone…

 

 

A Tomboys attempt at being a stripper

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I had just been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS at 23 yrs old. The Boyfriend that gave it to me died three months later. I was broke, alone and couldn’t turn to prostitution because besides the obvious reasons to be ambivalent, I was diseased. I was never a sexual exhibitionist but I knew money makes the world go round. Being broke feels just as bad as being a prostitute because you have to rely on others charity. Finally, I said, I need fast money so I cant hurt anyone by dancing.I walked right into a gentleman’s club in NYC called FLASHDANCERS. I said, “You hiring” and he said let me see you on stage. After a short embarrassing few minutes he said “come back tomorrow” I thought to be a stripper was just taking your bra off on a stage. I noticed the first night, that the other dancers were lazy, they never got on the stage. They were always in the audience slouching on guys. After hours and hours of bending over and taking my bra off I went home with 52 dollars. Nobody explained the stripper game to me , that you only go on stage to advertise, all the money is made on the floor with lap dancing and private sessions. I had no clue that the pole was for climbing, I thought it was either holding up the ceiling or for my balance walking around. This picture was taken by a friend after I was so happy that I got hired to be a dancer because it made me feel like I must not be as ugly as I feel inside and soon I will have money and can have a home. I lasted two weeks and felt like a failure at being a failure. Now I can look back and say, it’s okay that I was not good at that because that is not what I was supposed to be…

A Piece I did

SUBSTITUTION FOR LOVE & FEAR OF CHANGE

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I walk in the streets of NYC

One side of the street you

have buildings I cant even

afford to look at much less live in

as you walk a few more blocks

you see the symptoms

of oppression and degradation

the drugs, the alcoholics

roaming the street like nomads

I pass the addicts on the corner

speaking so loud and agressive

trading cigarettes and pills

that that was me at one time

and I am still a work

in progress, undoing a

brain fuck you can

only imagine.

I have anxiety issues

and at times getting

on the subway can feel

like cruel and unusual

punishment …

I can not look down on my past peers

because they are working

with all they have and know

When I see someone inhaing

a cigarrette like they

are suffocting and it will

give them the oxygen, I see the

subsitution many of us make

trying to find PEACE with

POISONS

My guiding light?

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I am exhausted, emotionally and physically

I have changed my life for the better and it

is a never-ending commitment

I have embraced and endured

all the criticisms and cruelty so

I look to my teachers as guides and mentors

to tell me to be strong but to my amazement,

some can be the cruelest of all,

The leaders and examples

with their own insecurities and biases.

We are supposed to be part of the change

we are social workers, counselors

and a voice for the voiceless but…

I see that ‘unless’ you compliment their mask,

platform and agenda that you are expendable

you are going to be shut down, critiqued and confused

intellectual bullies are the hardest to understand

with the passive aggressive power plays

They are supposed to be the wise, the fair

they are supposed to be selfless or so I thought

in many cases that’s far from the truth.

I have been through so much,

AIDS, Prison, violence, hate, and poverty

I can admit my part

I can take fault and take responsibility

for my past, present and future actions

so if you are my teacher and teller of these wrongs

in the world, and the injustices why are you trying to

make me feel like I dont belong?

I cant fight forever, don’t add to the pain.

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